Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
What do you call it when you plant a tree at each corner of a house?
A fourest.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Have you botany plants lately?
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.