I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
"I make pour decisions."
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.