What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
"You can't sip with us."
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
A French Roast.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.