What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
As it snow happens.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
"What an egg-citing day."
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion