This summer is going swimmingly.
You are spud-tacular.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.