What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
You've really struck a gourd with me...
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
You’re my soul Santa.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.