Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
If trees could kill you, they wood.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Why did the bat look for a job?
She was tired of hanging around.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.