A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
More candles means a bigger wish!
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.