I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
"I make pour decisions."
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Case in punt
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
I only have ice for you.
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.