Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
You're my purr-son.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.