Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
I whale-y like you.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Witch you were here.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.