Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.