It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website?
It just wasn't getting any hits.
Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
A sand-witch.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.