Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
Having a ball
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.