What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
My love for you simply radiates.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Broken pencils are pointless.