Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
My love for you simply radiates.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
"Having a good hare day."
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.