I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Call me on the shellphone.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Zebras aren’t fans of colouring books. They don’t like having to stay between the lions.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.