The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Dublin over in laughter.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
You snow the drill.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.