What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
Treat yo'elf.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Water you doing on [date]?
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.