My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What a spud muffin.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
I love you a tot!
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why are winter days great?
They’re snow much fun!
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.