Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
A young boy and his dad laid on the grass, looking at the sky. The boy asked, "Dad, will you teach me about the sky?"
The dad replied, "Son, it's way over your head."
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Birch, please.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Something’s goat to give.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.