Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
I have some extra chairs in my garage for emergency seat-uations.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
Irish you were beer.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.