What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Irish you luck.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.