In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
"I make pour decisions."
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Talking at the local chocolate factory is frowned on. When I’m there, I need to wispa.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.