My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
We've reached the point of snow return.
What do you call a kangaroo in Africa?
Lost.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Hey summer, long time no sea!
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
"Partners in wine."
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I love you berry much.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.