Why don’t tigers like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.