What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Tis the sea-sun.
Rebel without a Claus.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.