Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.