I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa? A Christmas Quacker.
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
I love you berry much.