"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.