How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Pugs and kisses.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.