Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What do you call a light bulb at midnight?
A Night Light.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
I goat this.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
"Rosé all day."
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.