What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call a drunk medieval poet?
Shakesbeer
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Time to celery-brate.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
"Bugs and hisses."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Practice safe text: use commas.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."