I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.