How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Treat yo'elf.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
I heard about a football player who had a heart attack and collapsed on top of his opponent.
He was dead on a rival.
What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.