What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
I yam what I yam.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
The ocean made me salty.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.