My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
I like your tight end
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.