How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
The police came to arrest me after I tried to play my cat like a violin
They are charging me with Kitty Fiddling.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
Indepen-dance.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Your love will always be up to par.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.