“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Icy what you did there!
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I like you a latke!
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call the Greek God of Mexican chickens?
Apollo
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.