“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I sulfur when you argon.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
What is a cat’s favorite TV show? The evening mews.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.