My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
It’s party thyme.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Why did the obtuse Triangle go to the beach?
Because it was more than 90°.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Ariel spent the weekend alone because she was feeling a little crabby.