What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.