How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
One should always practice what they peach.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.