Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
It's ice to meet you.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
You have goat to be kidding me.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.