I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
"Bone to be wild."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
I love you berry much.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’