If trees could kill you, they wood.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.