I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Shell-abrate the good times!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
It was mitten in the stars.