What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
when I’m with you.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.