Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
I love you meow and forever.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
"On cloud wine."
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Air resistance is a real drag.