"Alcohol you later."
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
"You bake me crazy."
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.