"Yoda one for me."
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
You’re my pot of gold.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.