My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
In Quebec they used to practise throwing the puck in the zone, and then
sitting back to wait for a turnover. But eventually the players were
criticized for this dump-and-chaise tactic.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Up to snow good.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.