What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.