Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.