Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.