What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
You’re my heartthrob.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
I have no shelf control.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”