Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.