The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
I like big books and I cannot lie.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".