How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Where do gorillas go to after work?
The monkey bars.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
I love you a tot!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!