Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.