What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.