When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
"I need to re-wine my life."
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Where do crows go to get educated?
CAWlege
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
I need to take this picture for my instayam
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!