My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.