What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
You knead me in your loaf.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
They say everything gets better with age.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.