Don't get tide down.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
I'm snow bored.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
There those thousand thinkers were thinking how did the other three thieves go through.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.