What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I’m elf-taught.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Leaf me alone.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson