I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine in winter? To stop his coffin.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.