What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
Even if injuries end it prematurely, Paul's had a good Kariya.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.