“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.