Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.