Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
I’m feelin’ green.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
Tropic like it's hot.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen