What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
I have bean thinking about you.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!