Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
It's ice to meet you.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
"Do you know how long it takes for a bomb to explode?"
No, but dynamite!
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
I whale always love you.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
I'm pine-ing for you.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy