Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
"You can't sip with us."
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
Snow thank you.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!