My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.