What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch?
Tea, Rex?
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!