Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Live to tell the tail.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Irish you were beer.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.