What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.