How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
You have a pizza my heart.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?
It was a ‘mean’ thing to say!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.