People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
They say everything gets better with age.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Broken pencils are pointless.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
I’m fondue you.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!