The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Avoid pier pressure.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Don't worry, bee happy!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!