What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
"Sip, sip hooray."
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.