Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
You’re unbeleafable.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
Your good seed for the day.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I lub dub you with all my heart.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.