Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
While building a house, the architect took his fingers and dipped them in a jar of blue ink. He wanted to get the blueprints!
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
What do you call a sloth that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Which candy do astronauts like? Marsbar.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
You better beer-live it!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.