When the ghost saw his wife he said 'you're not just cute, you're boo-tiful too!'
Mooning is very ASStrological
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
I’m very frond of you.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
I loaf you.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."