What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Calm before the score
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
How did the fire ant feel after the rain storm flooded his home?
Very put out, indeed!
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.