What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
They say everything gets better with age.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.