I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
You’re my lucky charm.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
Salty but sweet.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.