What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?
It goes very deep
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.