The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
"Time to wine down."
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Fir sure.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
Because she expected some change in the weather.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!