Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
"Read between the wines."
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.