Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Do you comma here often?
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.