My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Where do gnomes first go when they log on to the internet?
The gnome page of course!
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.