How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
You’re my lucky charm.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy