What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What do you call a otter that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.