The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
I whale always love you.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.