My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
I feel tail great!
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.