What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Girls just wanna have sun!
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I ain't no poet, but neither are you.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
I heard that burglars used grass to pick a lock and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.