What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What do alligators and Windows have in common?
Neither of them has enough bytes!
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.