The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
How rude-olf of you.
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Canada is planning a mission to the moon
They're calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.