Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
I like big books and I cannot lie.
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.