I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
You’re my #1 pick.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
What do you call an eye specialist with a short shirt?
A crop-toptometrist
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
Say it ain’t snow.
I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
Shell yeah.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.