What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!