"I wood never leaf you."
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
What do zebras hold?
Ze boobs.
I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Which cow has great pickup lines? A cow which is smooth as milk.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My love for you is like no otter.
Biology - It grows on you.