Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
What do you think is the name of the knight who unexpectedly turned up at the battle? His name is Sir Prize.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.