I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
"Lazy bones."
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.