What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I couldn't go out because of the blizzard. So I had to eat storm-ed buns for dinner.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
A French photographer and his friend from Czechoslovakia were visiting Australia.
Unfortunately, one day they got too close to a nesting site and were attacked and eaten by a pair of crocodiles.
The female ate the Frenchman.
The Czech was in the male.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles