I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
It takes one to snow one.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
I’m feelin’ green.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Do you need some encourage-mint?
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!