Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
You’re my heartthrob.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!