What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I have no shelf control.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Who puts money under a deer’s pillow when they lose a tooth?
The hoof fairy.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.