Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What Twix do you have up your sleeve that makes me love you?
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.