What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
My weekend is fully booked.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
I’ll always be running-back to you.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
Two snowmen were standing in a yard. One asked the other, "Do you smell carrot?" The other snowman replied, "No, but I can taste coal."
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What does the birch like to study in school? Chemistree.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
I like you a latte.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.