What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
Feeling my shelf.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Where do doubtful Egyptians get their water from?
Denial River.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
What can you do if you are the ocean?
Watever you want.
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".