Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
That’s a-may-zing!
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
The reason why bowling alleys are so quiet is such that you can hear a pin drop.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
"Bugs and hisses."
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
I “lub” you.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
In the eyes of the lawn.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!