What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.