I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Wear green, or leaf.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
You really mermaid my day.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
You're acute Valentine.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.