What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!