What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
It's ice to meet you.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Metaphors be with you.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.