What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
"Some people have no guts."
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
"Partners in wine."
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Shake your shamrocks.
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.