My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
I saw a lion in a bar, trying to pick up a lioness literally half his age
and I'm like "man, you must have *no* pride"
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
This foundation is rock salad.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
You’re brew-tiful!
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.