Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.