I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What did the lion say to his cubs when he was first teaching them how to hunt? Don’t cross the road until you see the zebra crossing!
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
Don’t be elfish.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.