Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
I think I found my perfect match
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
Up to snow good.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.