My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
"Back that glass up."
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.