What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
Where are koalas taken when they die? To an ancient bearial site.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !