Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Guess what I do when my ice house falls apart.
Igloo it back together!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.