Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...