When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What’s a tree’s favorite dating site?
Timber.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
You’re my soul Santa.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!