I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What kind of deer make great weather forecasters?
Rain-deer.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
A balding magician had an act where he'd put a rabbit on his head and make it disappear...
The hare vanished into thin hair.
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.