While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”