What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.