You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
I have no shelf control.
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.