Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
Writers have great climaxes.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.