Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What soccer position does a pink flamingo play? Flamingoalie.
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
"Partners in wine."
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
I have no shelf control.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Where's the safest place to be in the zombie apocalypse?
The living room.
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Can I be Candide with you?
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
I’ll never fir-get.
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam