I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Does anything come after April A?
May B!
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.