What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
You seem a little mer-mad.
My bike chain got rusted. Then my whole bicycle broke down. It was a chain reaction.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Irish I had better jokes.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
What are the best sandwiches to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy melts!
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.