Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
I'm pine-ing for you.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
French, French Revolution
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.