When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"